15) My old suffering (even not to be... etc.)! Will I really never escape from this pettiness. Always suffering - about everything! Suffering that gives me a metallic taste in my mouth!
23) At last signs of life from Breitkopf via Paul. – Verträge geschlossen. Result again equal to zero, I think! Mikael's "lizard" [op. 8] torments me. Must get rid of it as soon as possible. So it has taken a month to sell the piano stuff [op. 58]. Good God! My nerves!
Maud Allan again! Suppose I shall have to write her some music. Got 3000 Rmk. from B.& H. The first swallows in a long time.
− October 3)
In Koli! One of the greatest impressions of my life. Planning "La montagne"! Ill. Business affairs.
13) Sent off 'Shakespeare Songs "[op. 60] and "Christmas Song" [op. 1 No. 4]. All bagatelles. Still on “The Lizard”. [op. 8]. Appetite for work = 0.
15) “Lizard [op. 8] finished.” Yes. Yes.
21) Loafed about and attended to business in H:fors. Now the important thing is to get it all finished and out of the way. [deleted words]
23) How infinitely far I am from that rational work which brings life and joy to the practician and to those around him. I suppose I ought to console myself with the thought that this "joy" is always selfish, whereas my misery - - -!
Working on "Marche Funèbre" [op. 59]. Want it to have the most monumental form possible. Strange to think that it will probably be played when I am a corpse.
24) Have, I believe, a “sight” of "Marche Funèbre" [op. 59].
29) We must see how my brother holds up. He has enemies who want to bring him down. Him – a soul of the purest, a man of work and ideals. (My business affairs are taking up all my time).
(to be continued)
translated from Finland-Swedish by David McDuff
Voces intimae - 1
Voces intimae - 2